OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
