My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
