"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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