Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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