the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
