Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
