You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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