And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
