I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
