I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
