Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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