I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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