she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
how do you play pong handcuffed?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
