my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
