I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
