I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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