good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
