I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
