No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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