I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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