you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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