Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
