nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
