my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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