HIV tests are more positive than that guy
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
