i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
