textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
