just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
