I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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