What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
