can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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