I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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