I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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