her vagine was all disorganized.
Ketchup is God's man juice
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
