I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
