Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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