I am puke
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
