Ambien. No doubt about it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Heβs tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. Heβs basically a chihuahua
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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