you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
