i need an iv and a liver transplant
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch