i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
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i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name