Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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