Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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