Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
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WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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