Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
