I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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