I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
