sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
