"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
