My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
