I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
