At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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