Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
