There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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